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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27041533">Attempts</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/reileiheyheyhey/pseuds/reileiheyheyhey'>reileiheyheyhey</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Time Travel, Angst, Depression, M/M, POV Third Person, Self-Harm</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 18:48:58</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,491</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27041533</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/reileiheyheyhey/pseuds/reileiheyheyhey</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>God knows how much Kei wanted to feel his lover’s warmth again on his palms, he yearns for it after several lifetime and attempts.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello mina-san, I'm kind of sad and create another angst stories keke! </p><p>I actually wanted to offer this story to my best friend, Takoyakenma. Dis is for u      <br/>( ˘ ³˘)♥</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Tiredness start to take toll in Yamaguchi’s body, he just wants to get all snuggled up on his pajamas and fluffy sweater. It was holiday which explain all of this huge numbers of customers and also the reason why he’s alone, most of his co-workers has had families or loved ones and Christmas eve was the perfect day to spend with one another. </p><p> </p><p>	It was lonely, being alone on Christmas eve wasn’t a big deal before, but right now the sadness took over his heart and all he could do was stare occasionally at their Christmas tree while cleaning up to close the shop. </p><p> </p><p>	“Well it looks we’re going to watch Netflix til’ Christmas is over and just drink shit ton of beer” he sighed while washing the used baking pans.</p><p> </p><p>	The shop’s door squeaked and the bell let a sound that signal that there is a customer, he rolled his eyes and sighed deeply as he wiped his hands on his apron. Irritation sets on him, "can’t anyone see the “closed” sign on the door for fuck sake" he muttered. </p><p> </p><p>	Though he’s really antsy and tired he still gave his “customer approved” smile “Sorry sir but we’re closed and no more cakes- “he was interrupted by how disheveled this young man in front of him (not really you, he’s the same age with Tadashi give or take)</p><p> </p><p>	The young man has blond hair, a soft color of golden eyes, pale skin, not scrawny but has a good build. Yamaguchi wonder if this man was a model or something because he looks one for sure. He mentally scolds himself not to be gay at business hour. He smirked at himself. </p><p> </p><p>	“I’m really happy you’re fine, Tadashi.” What? Did he hear him right? Yamaguchi furrowed his brows, his smile slowly wearing off on his lips. </p><p> </p><p>	“Excuse me?” The blond was just staring at him solemnly, his panting was nowhere to be heard, just his eyes intently staring at him, it felt like he was reading Yamaguchi. </p><p> </p><p>	“After so many failed attempts, finally I was able to save you in this lifetime.”<br/>
His heart started to ache, the way they eye met, this man’s gaze made him feel things. It made him feel something sad and something tragic within his gaze. His chest ache, it feels like his inner consciousness begged him to touch the blond. Something felt weird deep down his heart and soul. </p><p> </p><p>“Who are you?’ he whispered, his lips quiver and it felt like he can’t breathe, and unbeknownst to him, he started crying. </p><p>The blond gently wipes his tears and caressed his face</p><p> </p><p>“Tsukishima, Tsukishima Kei” God knows how much Kei wanted to feel his lover’s warmth again on his palms, he yearns for it after several lifetime and attempts. He just kept staring at Tadashi, and the latter one clenched his fist on his chest.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>If you guys knew the song Possibility by Lykke Li, pleaseeee listen to it while reading this chapter ಥ╭╮ಥ</p><p> please leave a kudos and a comment hehe</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>1st life</p><p>Tsukishima knew something was oof with Yamaguchi, he’s not the usual bubbly like a champagne character. Yamaguchi always spaced out too often that it made his teammates worried, even Coach Ukai noticed Yamaguchi’s unusual quietness. </p><p>“Gomen! I’m really just tired, but I’m fine” one of Yamaguchi’s several alibis made Tsukishima worried for him. He would end up staring at Yamaguchi too often and wonder what was the problem. </p><p>Their usual walking home has gone silent and eerily cold. Full of conversations turned into timid ones, laughter turned into sad smiles, his eyes once full of excitement turned into unreadable ones. </p><p>Yamaguchi was too dazed and not realizing he was just staring at his bento for five minutes. Tsukishima was just staring at him intently “Goddamnit Yamaguchi, what’s with you the couple of days?” he wanted to lecture on Yamaguchi for an hour but he coolly held himself calmly not wanting too much attention. </p><p>Yamaguchi’s eyes widen for a sudden outburst of the blonde “huh” is all he could mutter, Yamaguchi realized he was just staring at his food and he knew too well his friend was suspicious about it </p><p>“Tadashi, what’s wrong?” Yamaguchi blushed at the sudden softness of the blonde. “Nothing Tsukki! I was just thinking the manga I read last night!” Tadashi tried his earnest to sound and act enthusiastic as possible, he started eating in silence and praying Tsukishima would take the bait. </p><p>Days passed and still Yamaguchi was quiet as ever, Suga asked Tsukishima what was wrong with Tadashi, during one of their practices. They were glancing at him and saw Tadashi just rolling the ball on the ground with his palm still deep in thought. </p><p>“I wish I could tell you but he kept telling me bullshit like he was just thinking something or shits like nothing’s wrong he just wanted to be alone sometimes” Tsukishima was surprised Suga didn’t scold him for using profanity, maybe Suga was tired of Tadashi’s excuses as well. </p><p>Tsukishima noticed his friend often wears long sleeves under his uniform, or sometimes he’s wearing sweaters and hoodies even though it’s summer. </p><p>One-time Tsukishima accidentally held Yamaguchi’s wrist, and the latter flinched and bite his lower lip hard and made hurt noises. </p><p>“Oh shit! Sorry! Are you hurt?” Tsukishima was worried he hurt Tadashi but he knows it was just a light touch or a normal person wouldn’t react like this. Yamaguchi was frantic and he answered Tsukishima immediately, “No! I mean no, I was just surprised that’s all.” Yamaguchi thought he’s getting used to lying he’s afraid he’ll be a perfect connoisseur at lying. </p><p>Tsukishima doubt it was just more than that, he could sense a dangerous tension. Yamaguchi’s getting scrawnier every week. It’s been months since Yamaguchi acting up like this, and it hurts Tsukishima the most when Yamaguchi is refusing to let him in his life.</p><p>Tsukishima missed his best friend so much it made his life all go blank again, like a clean slate. He would offer Yamaguchi to do their homework at his house yet Yamaguchi declined and reasons out that his mother wants him to be at their house early. He would offer him every day but he would come up with a good excuse that were too good to be true. </p><p>His phone vibrated at three am. Tsukishima knew it was Yamaguchi; both of them has sleeping problems, not that serious- at least not for him. </p><p>YamaYamsYam: Hey Tsukki! You’re probably awake keke well it’s obvious that me too is still wide awake. Anyway, can I ask a favor? &gt;.&lt;<br/>
TsukkilovesDino: what is it Tadashi?<br/>
YamaYamsYam: heyyyy don’t call me thaaaaat!<br/>
TsukkilovesDino: get used to it<br/>
YamaYamsYam: Haha maybe, maybe not, or maybe this would be the last time<br/>
TsukkilovesDino: Urusai Tadashi<br/>
YamaYamsYam: Gomen Kei</p><p>	Tsukishima felt the pang of Yamaguchi’s messages, why does it felt like he’s telling goodbye, like after this he couldn’t reach out on Yamaguchi. </p><p>YamaYamsYam: About the favor, Tsukki can you tell sensei that I might not going to school for three days, my mom and I promised my grandparents that we’ll visit.<br/>
TsukkilovesDino: why does it felt like you’re lying?<br/>
YamaYamsYam: I’m not… Hey Kei”<br/>
Tsukishima felt their conversation became cold and distant<br/>
TsukkiloveDino: Tadashi<br/>
YamaYamsYam: I love you, take care.<br/>
TsukkiloveDino: Tadashi<br/>
YamaYamsYam: (laughs) Tsukki goodnight okay? I’m really tired. Sleep well Kei. </p><p>	Yamaguchi stifle his cries, biting his lip so hard he tasted blood. He clenched the sheets with his hands and brought his phone near his heart and just let out a muffled sob. You could hear his cries throughout his room and his ragged breath, his eyes getting blurry from crying too hard. </p><p>“Kei, I love you, but I can’t no more, I’m sorry” he whispered as the blade kissed Yamaguchi’s soft skin. </p><p>It’s the third day Tsukishima hasn’t heard of Yamaguchi. It’s colder since it’s fall and the wind makes Tsukishima cold, so he wore the red scarf Yamaguchi gave. He texted Yamaguchi once in a while yet the latter hasn’t responded since Tuesday.<br/>
Tsukishima heard porcelain breaking and it made him jumped off his feet and rushed downstairs and what he saw next made his heart leapt out </p><p>“Mom!” his mother eyes were wide and full of horror and fat tears roll out her cheeks, the shattered plates near her feet. </p><p>“MOM!” Tsukishima felt weird, his stomach was once again in knots, his fingernails dug on his palms. Her mother covered her mouth and just cried; her knees gave out</p><p>“Tadashi”</p><p>“What? Why? What happened? MOM!” </p><p>“Tadashi, Tadashi is dead” </p><p>Tsukishima’s mind went blank, he felt like his heart stopped, his body tremble and he’s full on crying. It can’t be. He wanted to rush out the door and go straight to Okinawa. He thought he was on a vacation? Is it by accident? </p><p>He let out strange noises, close to shouting, he just screamed in agony until he can’t feel his throat, his legs went wobbly and he’s just sitting at the floor. His mother hugged him and kissed the top of his head. </p><p>Tsukishima’s vision went black and the last thing he heard was his mother saying? “KEI?! KEI?! WAKE UP! AKITERU! HELP!” </p><p> </p><p>Next thing he knew he was inside Yamaguchi’s house; he’s wearing a black tux. He saw Reiko-san wearing a black dress and she was sitting in the windowsill together with his mom. Her mother hugged Tadashi’s mother gently, and they both failed to suppress their emotions. </p><p>When Yamaguchi’s mother looked at Tsukishima, she can’t help but cry again, she walked towards him. her face looks ashen, it looks like she aged 10 times older, her eyes were red.<br/>
‘Kei, Tadashi left a letter for you and me” her voice was raspy </p><p>Kei cannot speak, it looks like he forgot to talk, whatever’s happening right now making him dizzy, he still can’t believe every second of this day. Reiko-san handed a piece of paper to Tsukishima. He couldn’t even move his arms yet his tear we’re visible and it affected Reiko-san and cried again, she was constantly wiping her cheeks. She slid the note to his coat. She excused herself to the bathroom and told everybody can take turns to pay respect to his son. </p><p>Tsukishima was the last one who entered upstairs, as he opened the room, he could already smell the strong scent of embalming fluid and a mixture of lavender. The room was dark and eerily cold, Tadashi’s body was just inches away from him, Tsukishima wanted to run away, but he found himself kneeling in front of him. </p><p>You know when you could feel how your heart ache so much when you lost someone important to you and they left a hole in your heart, Tsukishima felt that. Every breath he could feel how hurt he is, it’s like he was punished by God. </p><p>He just stared at the body for awhile and flashbacks of Tsukishima and Yamaguchi hanging out on this room came vivid, the memory of Yamaguchi spilling the coffee on his mattress, the glow in the dark stars across the room was still present. His brain welcomed every moment he had with Yamaguchi came rushing. </p><p>And he cried once again, like he’s not tired of so much crying. his body shudder because of his emotions, his heart clenched and ragged breaths could hear throughout the room. A knock surprised Tsukishima. </p><p>“Kei, dear, it’s time to go, we can go back tomorrow.” His mother said almost like a whisper. </p><p>Trip to their house was quiet, you could hear the cicadas buzz, broken lamplights flickering, and as for Tsukishima he could hear his own thoughts screaming for help and flashbacks kept on coming back. Every drag of his feet was heavy, walking on this street seems impossible as it only represents how they used to be a faint remembrance of Yamaguchi. </p><p>He skips dinner for tonight, his mother’s muffled cries can be heard and it only made his feelings all heavy. He closed his eyes and remembered about the letter Yamaguchi gave to him, he searched on his pockets and felt the tip of the paper.<br/>
If he were to be honest, he was completely horrified on opening the letter, what if it was his fault? That made his stomach lurches and it made him impossible to breathe. Questions started popping on his brain and every time he tried thinking hard about, his sub-conscious was eager to open the damn letter.</p><p>As he opened the letter, it wasn’t long nor short but it hits him like a motherfucker that Yamaguchi was dead. That he can’t return his best friend back, and hopelessness fill his weak heart. </p><p>His weak heart started to read, </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Gomen Tsukki,<br/>
If you’re reading this then I did the most horrifying thing someone could do to oneself. Hey Tsukki, are all of our friends there? My mother? Did she read the letter well? Are you crying? Well if you don’t, I’ll haunt you! Keke I’m just kidding. </p><p>	Kei, I’m sorry but I have to, for the couple of moths I couldn’t stop thinking how much it hurts, I tried asking help from my mom yet she thought I was overthinking and that made me realize that she might be right. And for you, I thought you’ll react the same way and if you did, I couldn’t take it. </p><p>	Kei, I’m sorry I changed, sorry if every time I was dazing out, I was just thinking, what was the reason why I continue living? I wasn’t happy anymore, nothing excites me anymore and every time I wanted to be happy, it felt fake and I was just fooling myself. </p><p>	Kei I’m sorry I couldn’t have lunches, study, or play volleyball with you anymore. I’m sorry I left you early but I’ll ask the divinity a million times if I could guard you while I’m up here. I will make sure I won’t close my eyes just to make you safe. </p><p>	Kei, a last favor please, if we ended up in another life could you save me, save me on whatever form even though I’m a cat or crow, just help and save me. </p><p>	 Loving you always,<br/>
Y. Tadashi. </p><p> </p><p>Every word stung Tsukishima’s heart, crying all over again made his eye hurt but all he cares is how lonely Yamaguchi must’ve felt every day when he was still alive. All Tsukishima could do was clenched his fist onto his hair and grieves for his Tadashi. </p><p>“I could’ve save you Tadashi” </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>As soon as Kei opened his eyes, his hands immediately searched for his glasses. Realization hits Tsukishima on his vivid memories, Tadashi was dead and it made him close his eyes for a minute to let everything seep on his mind. An exaggerated knock, was heard and opened widely. </p><p>“KEI! YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE! BAKA!” his brother… Akiteru looked young and he was wearing Karasuno uniform.</p><p>“AKI-“ His voice sounded young, he immediately got up and saw his reflection from a mirror and his eyes widen on his sudden realization. </p><p>“WHAT THE FUCK!!”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Please leave a Kudos and comments hehe that makes me happy when you do! Thank you!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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